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i'm sitting here,wondering what it is i am exactly doing.
its freezing and i feel lonely,and bored.
there isn't much too do,but too stare at screens.
i honestly thought i would be snuggled under blankets with someone special right now..
but i don't think that person likes that type of quality time too much.
always getting distracted.
also tonight i will be drinking,even though i really don't want too.
and meeting people i don't want too.

like always.

i am thinking about going to bed.
going too sleep more like it.
tomorrow is our one year anniversary,

im pretty sure,
that this wont last that long....

i really don't know.

I haven't been writing in here because i have nothing too exciting too write about.
point blank.
it's almost my 20th birthday.
and i couldn't feel more dead.
I have no idea why i feel this way,if you could call it feeling.
Old feelings of death seem to be rising up again.
maybe because my life is at a dead end?
maybe ending it all would make a difference.
I certainly wouldn't be here anymore.
the only reason I wont is because of everyone i'm around.
my brother,my sister in law,and my boyfriend,who i have been dating for almost a full year.(go us!,well go him,since i am his longest.)
I really don't know.
I'm sure my family back in California would be surprised by it.
not Melissa though,
she knows me.
Joseph would probably do himself in too,
and in the mist of death,i'd be the blame of something tragic.again.
If maybe I could find a way too not be blamed for his death.and possibly my sister in laws,
maybe I can do myself in then?
I noticed that my sister in law thinks negative all the time....correction.
She talks negative,other people try their best to ignore talking about the negative,
she feeds off it.
you can have a normal conversation with her,and all she does is go back to the very negative.
I think it is because she is naive.your first sex partner should not be who you base your life upon.she is still young,but her being young is making her not understand.
poor girl.she won't ever learn.
The weather here is my favorite.
Cloudy and Grey,and time for sweaters.
I will always feel left out.left alone.and left for dead.

you make me wish,

you make me wish i had a time machine,
you make me wish i could go back,
you make me wish i could turn back time,
ohh i wish you were still mine..

the years have past already,
the days seem so long like summer,
you seem so far away,
i am screaming but no sound is coming from my mouth,
i wish i never let our love go down south...

i wish i had a time machine,
so i could treat you right,
i'd hold you every night,
and make the best out of our time,
because when we think about it now,
all it seems like is trails in the sand,
the waves will just keep coming,
untill we can't read the back of our hands...

i wish i had a time machine,
i wish i could go back there,
i wish i could have foreseen the end,
i wish i could be your again,
maybe we would have been here together today..
i wish i has a time machine,
i wish childish dreams would just go away.


I reeeeeeally want a puppy,I wish I could just buy one already,or have Tyler magically or romantically come home with a box and surprise me.buuut I know that will never happen. :/ I just want a job.and then I want to live alone with my puppy.that's all I want.a job and a puppy.i have everything else I'll ever need.Tyler,family.i don't mind not being a singer anymore,I just want a good life.a easy one too....
I want a puppy.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Once again

I feel myself drift
I feel my blood drip,
My voice howls and belts,
My secrets my skirt cannot hide,
My sins are what I live by,
My nails tug at my arm,
My toes are in a puddle,
Puddled and hurt,
I feel the devil breathing down my neck,
He is my king now,
He makes me dance,
He makes me show my sins,
My secrets,he opened me up where I hide them,
He makes me play out my worst memories,
He loves me,
And feasts on me,
How can I escape when I'm already here,
Trapped in his den,
Trapped in his world,
Trapped in his arms,
How can I run,
Must I escape it,
Must I try,
Leave his sight,
And my skin will fry....

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.



the wind just blows right through me and makes me bleed my soul,
My skin is left,and I what I see,I can't believe,
My soul takes off with the breeze,and into the ground,my feet begin to sink,
I feel my eyes roll back,my flesh begins to burn,and I mindlessly begin to tear away,
my nails digging into flesh,ready to give my body to a demon,too become a pound of meat,end up where there's someone you wouldn't like to meet,
My soul is free,my body is chained,
Can never be free again,
My soul feels no pain,
My body,my flesh,bleed and protest,
But noone can hear me,
My soul is free,
My body is treated as meat...
The breeze stole my soul,
The devil owns my heart,
My soul,is what the breeze stole,
My body is meat,and down here,is treated right no more...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


song for me and john

your just a rockstar from mars,nothing new,nothing old,you aim and shoot for the stars.but when your hungry,and theres no more stage for your shows,you howl at your moons,and wish for treasured gold.....im just a wizard,i come from common earth,i can't grow a flower,i can't pick at a guitar,i only dream of the stars,but i guess when it comes to spells,i favor only one,food come to me,im hungry,quench my thirst,spell oh spell of mine,feed me first,i suppose if we make a deal,i can help you eat,if you help me see my dreams happen in reality,i want the stars,you want candy bars and steak,i want to get off this planet of hate,i suppose i can help you,you seem like a nice guy...

im winning now.guess i have that power inside me,it dwells,i can be a magical wizard with magical spells,help you eat,and now since im up here,i can help myself,we can take on the stages god never even dreamed of himself,come with me,to galaxies and far far away,aslong as you eat,aslong as i stay.


I have been so bored as of late,
Nothing to do,
Nowhere fancy,
Nowhere messy,
And I'm pretty sure I am losing my mind.
I want to go to California.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


I haven't write in a while...

So I said I would write on here often,
And I don't,because life is distracting.
I have nothing interesting to write about,
I don't want to write about dumb problems and drama.
It's pretty lame.
I hope I have a Great summer.

Grrrrr...I just wanna have some fun already.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.



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November 2012